Increasing Intimacy

 I am pretty sure that my rule of thumb has started to be, if you can't think of a way to start your blog article...start it with a song. So here we go, Thomas Rhett's song Die a Happy Man go listen to it and look for aspects of the song that describe intimacy. 

Okay, you're back! So what did you find? Well the song starts off with the saying "Baby, last night was hands down, one of the best nights I've had no doubt," some of us may put this in the context of sexual intimacy, but there are so many more ways to be intimate rather than just sexually, so if that was all you found, go look again. 

Okay you're back again, lets go over some other ways that he describes simple intimacy in the song.

  • "we danced in the dark under September stars in the pourin' rain"
  • " if all I got is your hand in my hand Baby, I could die a happy man"
  • "We could stay at home, listen to the radio, Dance around the fireplace"
  • He is intimate through his words of love and affirmation

So this is a relatively small list, but it points out that intimacy includes not only sexual intimacy but physical and emotional intimacy as well; and there are many ways that we can become more intimate in our relationships with our partner. An important aspect to remember is that simple intimate actions should not always be a precursor that leads into sexual intimacy, a husband and wife need to have the ability to be physically affectionate with each other without the other partner believing that it means the other wants sex. Laura Brotherson, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist, states 

"Affection or loving touch is needed in marriage for its own sake-not just as something that leads to sex. Many women over the years have told me how they remember when they decided to simply stop touching their husbands because it always led to sex. Healthy sexualtiy means that both husbands and wives are able to enjoy non-sexual touch or affection for its own sake, not solely as a precursor to sex" (Raising the Bar on Intimate Relationships).

So what are some ways that we can do that? One aspect that I have observed in successful marriages over the years is intimacy through patterns: or what John Gottman a psychological researcher has titled, rituals of connection. The idea of rituals of connection is that you have designated, specific, simple moments in the day where you are intentionally turning toward one another in order to build a more intimate relationship. So let me give you some examples of how you can do that:
  • Bob and Jill have a Coffee ritual every night. After dinner is cleaned up the kids know that they are not to interrupt Bob and Jill for 15 minutes, they are not even allowed in the kitchen. During this time Bob and Jill sit together and drink a cup of coffee while discussing how their days went, what was good, what was bad, stressful etc.
  • Ashley and Kade go on a weekly date night: they have a weekly babysitter and Ashley and Kade go do something where they can be connected to each other without the children interrupting. (They play frisbee golf, get some ice cream, go to the park and have a picnic, play a sport together, go on a hike etc.)
  • Jamie and Brady pray together every morning and night: they state that hearing each other pray for the other spouse and for their children connects them in a powerful way together.
  • Kenzie and Spencer give each other a hug and kiss before he goes to work; and Spencer comes in and gives Kenzie a kiss before he changes out of his work clothes. Kenzie states that "to me it shows that he missed me, that he is happy to be back with me after work. It is recognition, validation and physical affection all in one."
  • Randy calls Brookie on his lunch breaks. This is an opportunity for them to check in on each other, see how the day is going, and an opportunity to stay connected even during long hours of work.
  • Paul travels a lot so he facetimes Alexa every time he is waiting for a flight.
  • My grandpa always holds my grandmas hand when they walk together.
  • Don always opens sara's door.
  • My grandpa always brought the car to where my grandma was at if it was raining. I can remember him running out into the rain to the car and he would get in and drive up to where grandma was waiting so she didn't have to get as wet.
All of these examples are rather simple and include a variety of ways for intimacy, but they are all powerful rituals of connection that show great aspects of love, tenderness and concern for another's partner. These rituals of connection increase intimacy on a variety of platforms. 

So the challenge for this week is: talk to your spouse about some rituals of connection that you have, and if you can't think of any, decide on one to start on. John Gottman states that many couples with children only get 30 minutes of uninterrupted time together a week, so if you feel like that is you and you're needing help increasing the quality and intimacy in your relationship check out some of his ways to increase time together and become more intimate as well. You can find his 6 hour plan below!


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