Dating Culture

I'm going to give you two extremes: George Strait's 1998 song "I just want to dance with you" and Old Dominion's 2017 song "Hotel Key." So what is the difference, what does it tell us? The first song's start, gives a visual image of a man being impressed by a girl and asking her to dance, the second song starts with a hookup stemming from alcohol and is all about a one night stand. It's basically the idea between new and old country. Old country for the most part talked about classy love and new country has a way of objectifying and relaying the message of instant gratification. So why does that matter, "I just listen to it because of the good beats, guitars and banjos." Music has an interesting way of reflecting our culture, and if not reflective, it predicts what future teens and young adults often think is acceptable.

The reality is, in our culture today we have lost the idea of classy love; we've thrown dating and courtship out the window; we've settled for relationships that get to physical and to serious to fast, and in the end we sit there wondering why divorces seem more prominent than ever.

Our hookup culture (and when I say that I don't just mean through sex, but any sort of physical intimacy; holding hands, making out etc) can lead us to feel like we know people much better than we actually do. This effect actually comes from something pre programmed in your brain; in each of us is a chemical known as oxytocin, oxytocin is a neurotransmitter released from the pituitary gland of the brain to other oxytocin receptors located throughout your body. The purpose of oxytocin is to bond people together (this is especially effective for survival aspects of a mother-child relationship). Oxytocin is released in humans through physical touch such as holding, massaging, kissing, or hugging someone, consequently when relationships become physical your brain releases those chemicals that bond you and attach you to another person. The problem with this is because oxytocin also reduces stress hormones, blood pressure, and causes a sense of safety people become addicted to it's chemical highs that comes from affection; and mistake liking the feelings of reduced stress and blood pressure, for liking the person that is causing it.  

Now I'm not saying that you should never be physical with someone, these chemicals can be powerful and positive at the right time, what I am saying is that you should give yourselves the chance to get to know each other without false senses of attachment and bonding caused by oxytocin.

So what is one of the best ways to get to know someone and build a more stable foundation for a relationship, than just chemical reactions? The answer is through dating. When I say dating I don't mean anything serious, that is what we call courtship (more exclusive partners), but rather an opportunity to participate in some sort of activity with a person of the opposite sex, getting to know them, and having a good clean fun time together.

In the marriage and family major we say that there are 3 P's for dating. Dating is

Planned, Paid for, & Paired off

Because I personally am very traditional I will be putting the responsibility on the man to do these parts, however, I recognize that our society does accept girls taking the initiative to ask a guy on a date as well. We live in a time where some people have also turned dating into group activities and hanging out, so let me be clear...that is NOT dating. A date consists of a couple ( a man asks the girl to be his date for the evening) or couples ( joe and sarah as a couple, bob and jill as a couple, everyone knows who their partner is for the night) doing some sort of planned activity (you NEED to have a plan...not "I don't know, what do you want to do") and the activity is paid for by the one who took the initiative to ask the other out.

So let me give an example, a couple weeks ago I got a knock on my door and a man that I had met in the semester was there. He asked me if I would spend the next friday with him, to which I agreed. His roommate also asked a girl to spend the afternoon with him. Together we all went and played frisbee golf. During the activity my date, we will call him Bob, took the opportunity to get to know me, and we will call the other couple steven and alyssa, got the opportunity to know each other. After frisbee golf, we went and got ice cream; Bob paid for my ice cream and Steven paid for Alyssa's. After ice cream Bob walked me back home, Steven walked Alyssa back home and the date was over. Now, do I think I am going to marry Bob or court him, no, but was it a great opportunity to practice being my best self, and practice social skills of getting to know someone different than me..ABSOLUTELY!

Dating can be powerful because it exposes us to all kinds of people, it helps us practice being kind, chivalrous, respectful etc. and it exposes us to a variety of activities that sometimes we enjoy and sometimes we don't. 

The last two problems of dating:

-People think a date has to be really great and grand

-and people think that if someone asks them on a date it means the other person is madly in love with them, therefore, hindering anyone not madly in love with you from asking.

So here are some ideas: Dates can be cheap and fun at the same time

• Go on a hike
• Play a sport
• Put bob ross up on youtube and learn to paint some awesome canvases together
• Try a new food truck
• Go kayaking or canoeing
• Go fishing
• Do some sort of service (volunteer at the local animal shelter, homeless shelter etc)
• Make your own kites and fly them
• Learn how to make a new meal together
• Bonfire and some smores
• Do a picture scavenger hunt
• Go to an arcade
• Teach each other a hobby the other one doesn't know how to do
• Make pizza's together
• Fruit Picking
• Go find one of those cute little towns with all of the free samples
• wood carving
• etc.

Solution to the second problem, the more people you ask out, the less pressure your date feels because she knows she isn't the only girl you have asked out in the last 10 years. Bob had a date a couple days before me, and a date planned for the following weekend; I knew Bobs intentions in asking me on a date was solely to get to know me and nothing more than that, which made the date more comfortable and with less pressure on it. 

If we want to improve our marriages in the long run then we need to start by doing it right. Date a big variety of people, and do a variety of activities before settling on one specific person, don't be physical rather just have a good time together. If in the end you find someone that you want to get more exclusive with and then eventually physical within appropriate bounds, that's great! If it continues to work, the next steps are engagement and marriage; with this process we will have marriages that are built on a knowledge of someone's actual personality traits and characteristics rather than solely chemical feelings, and consequently marriages with more secure foundations.

So lets talk about it; this week at family dinner, or this week with a friend, come up with some great date ideas, and then start asking people out so you can get to know the people around you!