Surface Level Connection
How many of you have heard the phrases, “I just hate everyone,” “I got a dog because humans suck,” “the only thing I love about people are their animals.” While I laugh at these phrases and as I have even flippantly stated them on occasion, I think it is important to remember that we all need people. People have an inward and innate longing to be around others and to feel loved and accepted. A song by a popular artist states,
“What if you had it all
But nobody to call?
Maybe then, you'd know me
'Cause I've had everything
But no one's listening
And that's just lonely
I'm so lonely
Lonely
I'm so lonely
Lonely”
I think the song points to an interesting concept, the concept that even someone who is famous and constantly surrounded and supported by people can feel utterly alone. So how does it work, how does someone in a sea of people come to feel like they have no one to lean on.
Bieber shows us the answer in just three lines,
“What if you had it all and nobody to call? Maybe then you’d know me”. In the
world today it becomes easy to feel that we are surrounded by people. With social
media it becomes easy to keep tabs on what Bobby ate for breakfast, lunch and
dinner, or what Frita did with her three-year-old this weekend. We know of
people, meaning we know what people are doing, but we aren’t necessarily connecting
with people which is what a human needs. Through technology we have developed a
surface level way of getting to know each other, causing surface level
friendships, and often feelings of depression and solitude even when surrounded
by seas of people.
Let me give you an example of what I am talking about. During the year of 2020, out of all college students 24%, meaning close to ¼, have contemplated suicide within the year. Picture this: in my group of 12 friends, and at least 3 of them have considered killing themselves in the past year; that is a very scary statistic. Why is that? We still have people, we are connected to others through zoom, chat boxes and Facebook every day. Why is depression and suicide contemplation spiking? I believe it is spiking because we have lost true connection,and truly we have been losing human connection for many years. As we replace real friendships and contact with virtual ones, we replace important parts of the foundation of our mental health. People NEED people.
So, what can we do? We see a problem; now how do we fix it? How can in a world full of a pandemic and social media can we come to feel more connected and less alone?
I don’t have all of the answers, but a couple
suggestions would be
1. Take the time to actually get to know a
person.
In people in general I
have started to notice an overall trend, and that is, we ask people questions more
so to be polite than we ask to truly listen for the answers. We ask people how
their day was expecting a “ it was good” and we move on. My advice would be,
when you ask a question like this, use a follow up question.
You: How was your day
Other person: It was
good
You: oh yeah why is that?
What was good about it?
And start a conversation from that point, as you begin to listen
more, people begin to open up to you more, and pretty soon you will see that
you have developed a relationship past surface level questions and answers. As
you develop these relationships life begins to feel more fulfilled and a little
less lonely.
2. Give your friends a hug every now and then
Yes I know there is a
virus going around….the flu goes around every year too. I’m not saying hug
everyone you see, what I am saying is hug your friends every now and then. People
need physical affection.
3. Ask for clarification or ask opinion based
questions
Ask people why they perform certain actions, why they do what they
do. As they have to explain their actions or ways of thinking they come to understand
themselves better, and you come to understand them better. As you understand
people’s actions you start developing more empathy towards other, and deeper relationships.
4. Check in on people every now and then
How many friends do
you make and never talk to again? Having people check in on you every once and
a while, especially people that aren’t close in distance proximity shows people that
others are thinking of them.
5. Share past stories
Often the best ways to truly know about a person and understand them is to learn about their past.
So here is the invitation for the week, talk this week
about where you are becoming surface level in your relationships. Next, take one
of these options and apply them. Find a way to become a little less surface
level and get to know someone around you today. We all need human connection!
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