Communication

We've all heard phrases like "God gave you one mouth and two ears for a reason" or "think before you speak," in all of these phrases comes the cultural theme of communication. As a culture we seem to value communication. Phrases like the ones above have been passed down by parents, teachers, and other leaders throughout generations. So if communication is something we value, something that is so important to us, how are we doing at it?

The reality is, is no one is a perfect communicator; and although that is hard for us to grasp sometimes, the truth is we could all use some improvement. Now we all have different aspects of communication that we personally could work on; but today I am going to give basic principles that can be applied to a multitude of scenarios and then I am going to take them and apply it to conflict. 

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication

David D. Burns

Empathy: 

        1. Disarming Technique: Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it is totally unreasonable and unfair.

        2. Empathy: Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes.

• Thought Empathy: Paraphrase the other persons words
• Feeling Empathy: Acknowledge how the other person is probably feeling based on what she or he has said.                    

        3. Inquiry: Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking or feeling.

Assertiveness: 

        4. I Feel Statements: Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner. Use "I feel" statements such as "I feel upset" rather than "you" statements such as "you're wrong" or "you make me furious."

Respect: 

        5. Stroking: Convey an attitude of respect, even if you feel angry or frustrated with the other person. Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of the battle. 

So let me give some examples of how this works, these principles can be applied to children, siblings, friends, roommates, marriage, parents and so much more!

Principle 1: Disarming Technique

Bob came home again to a house full of wild children. The 2 year old was running around in his diaper, the 5 year old coloring at the table, his wife seeming to have some type of power struggle  with the teenagers in the back room. It was late and dinner was still uncooked. Hungry, Bob again began making dinner for the family, this would be the third week in a row that he had to come home from work and make dinner for the whole family. He was tired, frustrated and quite frankly feeling like he was having to do everything. When his wife came in she could tell he was irritated but decided to wait till later to discuss it. At night she stated, "Bob you seem stressed today." Bob snapped, "I'm tired of doing everything around here, I go to work and after a long work day I come home and have to make dinner too, I feel like you aren't pulling your weight in helping me with everything we have to get done each day." 

        Option number 1: Maria for the last little bit has been struggling with the children. What Bob didn't know was their 15 year old son was caught with drugs in his locker for the 4th time in the past couple weeks; and while dealing with all of that, the 5 year old decided to stick gum in her hair. Maria was struggling with the children, their two teens were becoming even more rebellious and the little ones kept getting into trouble the minute her eye wasn't on them. When Bob makes his comment about her not pulling her weight she becomes defensive. "Well maybe if you weren't such a workaholic and could give your kids more support I would have more time to make dinner. If you were home more often our teenagers wouldn't be getting into so much trouble and I would have a little more time on my hands." 

        Option 2: Although what Bob said was hurtful, especially after what she had been going through all day, she decides to try the disarming technique. "You are right, I haven't been making dinners lately." (Notice how she doesn't say you are right to all of it. Maria is trying to pull her weight, so she does not need to agree with her husband in this aspect. She can acknowledge any piece of truth in the situation however, this helps Bob feel heard). From this statement Maria can move on, " I haven't been making dinners lately, but I am still trying to do my part in helping and supporting our family." This gives Maria the opportunity to show Bob that she is acknowledging what it is that he is frustrated at her for, and also gives her the opportunity to open up and tell Bob what is going on at home.

Principle 2: Empathy

Same scenario: Bob came home again to a house full of wild children. The 2 year old was running around in his diaper, the 5 year old coloring at the table, his wife seeming to have some type of power struggle  with the teenagers in the back room, it was late and dinner was still uncooked. Hungry, Bob again began making dinner for the family, this would be the third week in a row that he had to come home from work and make dinner for the whole family. He was tired, frustrated and quite frankly feeling like he was having to do everything. When his wife came in she could tell he was irritated but decided to wait till later to discuss it. At night she stated, "Bob you seem stressed today." Bob snapped, "I'm tired of doing everything around here, I go to work and after a long work day I come home and have to make dinner too, I feel like you aren't pulling your weight in helping me with everything we have to get done each day." 

        Maria can choose to do the first option that is given in principle number 1, and throw blame back on him or she can participate in feeling and thought empathy. "You are feeling like I am not pulling my weight because you come home and everything seems chaotic huh? I'm sure it would be nice to come home after a stressful day of work to a good meal rather than having to then plan what to eat and round kids up and get them to the table. Is that what you are meaning?" 

        Now in all honesty this step is probably the hardest for me personally, because I can see a million reasons of where to point out that she is going through the exact same thing. The reality is though, it's more so about being heard and you both figuring out a solution that is going to make that process work. So in showing empathy toward him, Maria can also help that empathy be extended to herself. "I also think it is stressful after a crazy day to think about dinner. I think that we are both doing a good job of pulling our weight; you go to work which I am grateful for, and I am helping the kids all day long. Maybe what we can do, is trade on and off every other day. I can make dinner monday, wednesday, friday; and you make dinner tuesday, thursday, saturday, and then sunday we will make dinner all together."

Principle 3: Inquiry

 Same scenario: Bob came home again to a house full of wild children. The 2 year old was running around in his diaper, the 5 year old coloring at the table, his wife seeming to have some type of power struggle  with the teenagers in the back room, it was late and dinner was still uncooked. Hungry, Bob again began making dinner for the family, this would be the third week in a row that he had to come home from work and make dinner for the whole family.

Option 1:He was tired, frustrated and quite frankly feeling like he was having to do everything for the family. When his wife came in she could tell he was irritated but decided to wait till later to discuss it. At night she stated, "Bob you seem stressed today." Bob snapped, "I'm tired of doing everything around here, I go to work and after a long work day I come home and have to make dinner too, I feel like you aren't pulling your weight in helping me with everything we have to get done each day." 

**Option 2: While making dinner Bob begins to think about how Maria has made dinner for the past 16 years of their marriage. "I wonder what has been going on that has made these past 3 weeks so different." When Bob and Maria crawl into bed that night, he asks "Maria, how has it been with the kids in the past little bit, is everything going alright?" This gives Maria a chance to see that although Bob isn't home much he still can see some differences and care about their family; this gives Maria the ability to open up and for him to continue to ask questions to understand what is going on. For example "You said this is the 4th time that they have found drugs?" Maria: "yep" Bob: " How are you feeling about that?"

Principle 4: I feel statements.

Let me give you a very easy one to think of from my college life. In general, I HATE messy kitchens! I like the rest of thee house to be clean, but the one place that drives me absolutely bonkers if it is not clean, is the kitchen. In college roommates are notorious for leaving a kitchen beyond messy. I have yet to have an apartment of girls where people clean up after themselves when they make food, and know how to do their own dishes. College apartments seem to have plates on the table with half eaten food items on them, sauce / food dried to the stove top and counters, and a pile of smelly dishes in the sink. That has just been my reality. It is easy when approaching this problem with roommates to come at it from this angle "I'm just tired of no one ever putting up their stuff and always leaving half eaten food and messes all around the apartment. It's gross, it makes it smell bad, and quite frankly it's sloppy and disrespectful of the fact that you are sharing a kitchen with 5 other girls." When the conversation starts this way what normally happens is people take offense. Rather hearing that I wish the kitchen would be kept clean, they hear me saying that they are sloppy, disrespectful and gross. So let's take a different approach. t's the same scenario but rather than throwing the blame on everyone else you put things on yourself. "I feel super stressed when our kitchen is not clean, when dishes and messes are all over the counters I begin to feel super overwhelmed." A statement like this converys the problem at hand, and opens the door for it to be resolved rather than shutting the door of solutions by being critical and blaming others.

Principle 5: Stroking

Betty's husband had the habit after getting home from work of changing out of his work clothes but leaving the work clothes and shoes on the floor in the middle of the room. For the first little bits of marriage Betty picked up after him, happy for the ability to serve her new husband. As the years went on however, Betty began to tire of this annoying habit. Betty began growing bitter, muttering things to herself like "what does he think I am, his slave?" or "why doesn't he ever pick up after himself?" Now in the scenario, all of the techniques can be applied, but when it comes to the stroking principle, Betty instead of saying one of the comments above, could say something like: "I am really appreciative that you go to work to provide for our family each day, I am grateful that because you are willing to work, it gives me more time to be home with the kids. I do feel frustrated though after picking up after the kids all day long, when I see your work clothes on the ground and I feel like I have to pick up after you too." Betty finds the positive in the pet peeve that she is having, shows appreciation for her husband and all he does, but she still opens the door for change.

So we read all of the scenarios and you're sitting on the other side of the computer screen going, that's great Briquelle but all those scenarios are so cut and dry. That's fine, because the principal is the same, and the concept is the same no matter what your situation is. So the next time you are trying to communicate something, and it is not coming across well, remember the 5 secrets of effective communication, and see what you can apply.

So let's talk about it!

This week we are going to practice metacommunication, meaning communicating about communication. Talk to a family member or friend about an aspect of communication that you want to improve on, and think of some daily scenarios where you can start! The more we practice it, the better we become at it!