Your Partner: What you wish you had known

Last week we talked about the Dating culture, this week we are moving on to relationships that are more exclusive in nature; relationships that we see going somewhere, relationships that we think might at the end of our lives become the new version of the Rascal Flatts song Ellsworth Kansas or Lee Brice's song Love Like Crazy. Overall we are moving toward relationships that we hope will last forever. No one wants to marry just to go through the painful process of divorce a few years later (Couples are most at risk for divorce within the first 2-5 yrs, because they are making lots of adjustments). So how can we make sure that we are going into marriage the most prepared that we can possibly be?

One of the best ways to prepare for disagreements that might come in marriage is to talk about them before they occur. Rather than thinking that life is going to be solely full of bliss with your new married partner, prepare by talking about your future expectations, concerns, and some basic things that you should know about your partner.

Many of my blogs have had a little discussion idea at the end; this blog is going to be more of a list of discussion ideas for those who are dating exclusively, contemplating marriage, or my engaged friends. Many times we don't ask questions because we can't think of what would be an important thing to ask, so let me give you some ideas! 

  • What are the family traditions that you want to keep?
  • Whose house will we spend the holidays at?
  • Will the wife keep her last name, use his name, or hyphenate the names?
  • Will Mom be expected to stay home when kids come along?
    • Is this moms expectation, dads expectation or both?
  • Division of Household Labor
    • Does Bob expect Jill to do it all?
    • Does Jill expect to do it all?
    • How was it split in their families of origin?
    • Will both mom and dad cook?
    • etc.
  • Do you want children, if so when and how many?
    • What type of discipline do you think is appropriate for children?
    • How did their families of origin discipline?
    • Will you use contraception?
    • Where would you like to raise children?
    • Does your partner like the way they were raised, what was this like?
    • What's your parenting style, how do you feel about physical punishment?
    • Would you put your child in child care?
    • Would you homeschool your children?
  • If we couldn't have kids would you be willing to adopt?
    • Would you be willing to try alternative ways to becoming parents (ex: surrogate mothers, artificial insemination etc)
  • Would you ever consider doing foster care?
  • What will you do about housing?
    • What is each partners goals in housing, small or big?
    • Is it determined by the husbands job, wife's job, or both?
  • Who will be the breadwinner?
  • How will financial decisions be made?
  • What are your opinions on loans, debt, etc?
  • What are you sexual expectations?
  • Will vacations be spent with the in-laws?
  • Is your partner a touchy-feely person or do they like to have their own space most of the time?
  • Long term life goals and dreams
  • What are your partners thoughts on abortion?
  • Does your partner have a pornography problem, or have they had a pornography problem?
    • What are they doing about it?
      • Are they going to counseling?
      • How did they get introduced to it?
      • What are there triggers?
      • How will they be open with you about it?
  • Has your partner ever struggled with same sex attractions?
  • Does your partner struggle with anxiety, depression, thoughts of suicide?
  • What scares your partner about marriage?
  • Does your partner struggle with any type of drug use, have they struggled with drug use in the past?
  • What are ways that you cope with stress?
  • What will we do when we argue?
    • Will one of us go on a walk until we calm down, if so, who?
    • Will it be better to keep talking about the problem until we both think it is solved?
    • How do you normally react in an argument?
    • How did your parents argue?
      • Was one parent always "right"?
  • How will we deal with our opposite sex friendships?
  • How much technology do we want present?
    • Are phones allowed at dinner?
    • Is there going to be a TV in the bedroom?
    • Will each spouse know the others passwords?
    • Will we keep our family life private or will pictures of us be all over social media?
  • How often will we go on dates?
    • Is the man always responsible for planning them?
    • Will they be cheap or expensive?
  • What is one fear you have about parenting?
  • Will girls nights/ boys nights out be expected?
  • Will we teach our kids multiple languages?
  • Will we combine bank accounts?
  • How will we make time for each other even when children come along? (the average couple spends 30 minutes of uninterrupted time together, how will you exceed this standard)
  • If we have marital problems, would you be willing to go to counseling?
  • Will we raise kids to be religious?
    • What religion?
    • Is the other partner expected to participate in religion?
  • What are your political opinions?
  • Do you want to move a lot or stay in one stable place?
  • Jobs:
    • How demanding is your partner's job?
    • Would your partner choose work over family?
    • How did the families of origin balance work and family?
    • How salary driven are you?
    • Is more money or more family time more important?
    • How much do you plan on helping around the house once you come back from work?
  • Do you like to hoard things?
  • What would you consider to be your level of neatness/organization?
  • Money
    • Do you keep a budget
    • What's the most you would be willing to spend on a car?
      • Would you buy new or used?
    • Would you consider yourself a spender or saver?
    • How much money do you like to spend or save?
    • How do you make big purchases?
    • What is considered a necessity?
    • What are your financial goals?
    • Do you think it is better to cook or eat out?
    • How much traveling would you like to do?
  • How do you explain things that aggravate you to others?
  • Do you hold grudges easily?
  • Do you struggle to apologize and mean it?
  • Do you struggle in accepting others apologies?
  • How do you feel about homeless people? (do you think that they brought it upon themselves)
  • What do you like to do for service?
  • If there are ex spouses/ parents of the children: How will we deal with our exes/children's' parents?
  • Would you ever own a pet?
    • How many?
    • What kinds?
  • What is the most important thing in your life?
  • How do you show love?
  • How will you show that you are in it for the long run?
These are just a few of the many many questions that you can ask a more exclusive partner; the more you talk, the more you learn! See what answers surprised you, where you might need to give and take a little, and see where quite possibly you and your partners' basic values just don't align and you may need to find someone else for marriage! 

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