Family Rules

    In family science, researchers look at many different theories; as my teacher put it this week, "we just aren't good at reading people's souls," so researchers use theories to explain behavior and family dynamics. In family science there is one theory that I have come to particularly love and it is called 

THE FAMILY SYSTEMS THEORY !

Now I know it sounds boring, but don't fall asleep just yet, because understanding some basic concepts from this theory might be able to help you in some small way; and if not, it could at least help you strike up a conversation. 

When I think of theory, I normally think of something abstract, and that is kind of true, but let me help you relate the idea really quick. Who has family rules, family roles, family boundaries, family goals etc.? If you do, and most families, functional and dysfunctional, do; then you have experienced the family systems theory. 

Now part of this blog is to inform you, but another part is to also help you start striking up conversations with others about the family; about our differences, our beliefs, and our behaviors. Every week I am going to try to give you a little conversation starter, and if you are too uncomfortable to talk about it, at least think on it. 

The conversation starter for this week is this....Family Rules. Ok, so what about family rules? Part of the family systems theory is the idea that everyone has family rules, some rules are well laid out, and other rules go unsaid, they are the unspoken rules that your family follows. I'll give you an example of an unspoken rule, and how you might find out about the rule. I have a roommate whose family had an unspoken rule of "we don't drink caffeine in our house." When my roommate was about 17, her dad found a caffeinated soda can in her trash bin in her room (to some of us, this seems like a silly thing) but to her Dad, the fact that she had drank a caffeinated soda was seen as a breaking of the family's rules. My roommate found out about an unspoken rule through the breaking of it, and learned her family's expectations. 

So the example above is a simple one, but let me show you how family rules (especially unspoken ones) might affect a relationship. I once heard of a young couple who struggled to get along at night; after much conversation we found out that it really came down to one simple thing; unspoken family rules regarding the trash. The wife grew up in a home where the unspoken rule was that "the guys take out the trash." The husband grew up in a home where the unspoken rule was "see a need, fill a need, anyone takes out the trash." At night when the husband came home to an overflowing trash can he would become frustrated that the wife wouldn't just take out the trash during the day, before it started to overflow. On the other hand, the wife would become upset when after dinner, her husband didn't immediately take out the trash. Both actions and expectations came from rules that their families of origin had; and became easy to fix when they understood where the other person was coming from. The wife wasn't being lazy, she was just following her unspoken family rule; the husband wasn't being neglectful, he just didn't realize that the trash was an expectation that his wife had of him. When the unspoken rules were uncovered, the family system was able to, together, create their own family rule of how it would be done in their house. 

Family rules whether we recognize it or not, govern a lot of our behaviors and actions. So this week at family dinner; talk about it! What are some of your family rules, spoken and unspoken? What purpose do they have, how did they start etc.

Every family's rules are different, some have rules such as

• We don't accept help from others
• We always say "let me know if you need anything"
• We don't drink caffeine
• If you whine, mom will say no for sure
• Family over friends
• Sunday is family day
• What Mom and Dad says goes
• You don't question a person of higher authority
• You only accept things that are given, you don't ask for something (ex: a roommate has a batch of brownies that just came out of the oven. In some families it would be considered rude to ask for a brownie...BUT if your roommate offers you a brownie you are free to take one. It is an unspoken rule that a lot of families have)

and the list goes on and on. As an outsider looking in on the family, sometimes these rules seem strange to us and don't make much sense, so lets talk about it! What were some rules that your families had, did you pass them on to the next generation, and why were they put in place? What are the quirky ones, what did they stem from, and how did they affect your behaviors and attitudes??

Family Rules are powerful... but what's more powerful is being able to express them!